I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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