So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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