im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
