I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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