How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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