The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
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Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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