this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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