I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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