Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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