You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
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I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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