Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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