I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
