i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
