I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
