I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
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Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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