we're chasing vodka with high fives
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he thought i was a dude.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
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You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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