adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
