ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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