just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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