$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
