I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sorry about my life...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
