I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
