The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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