I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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