I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
