i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
