I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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