even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
