Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
