i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
