Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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