Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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