I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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