I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
