Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
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