I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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