We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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