someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
