Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
