Only a mothe r could love this liver
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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