i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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