You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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