i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
