My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
