My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
