Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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