I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
