we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
