i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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