I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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