Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
