my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
