look no pants
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
