he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
