At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
