Im at strip club and am horny
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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