On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
