you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
