Well douche your snatch and let's go!
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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