I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
